Wednesday 17 June 2009

FACEBOOK WAR

I got into a small one today, OH IT FELT SO GOOD. I forgot the exhilarating thrill of good verbal warfare. And it was with someone from high school, someone I only stayed friends with on FB because I could not get enough of her complete misery. Honestly, there has never been anyone more negative on FB in the short history of Facebook. It was such a treat to have my feed blow up with countless tales of boredom, frustration, demon children, what have you.

What caused the problem? She called her kid a "douche."

Now, I realize I don't have a child, but I have been around PLENTY in my life. I used to baby-sit like it was going out of style. I come from a very large family that didn't believe in condoms until...well, I might be the only one that believes in condoms. Kids would ruin my life right now if I had one. I don't dispute that having children is hard. I comprehend that very, very well.

However, posting something about your kid, saying that since he is not going to nap today he's going to be a "douche" just sounded a bit harsh. And so I inquired, "You're calling your own kid a douche?" And she explained why, and I said it just sounded mean to call someone a douche who doesn't even know what an actual douche is, and I assumed we ended on good Facebook terms. I would live to see another day of her asking people to play some asinine Mafia War shit. OR SO I THOUGHT.

Turns out, passive-aggressive-except-not-really Facebook status updates are her absolute fav, and when I commented on the one directed towards me with, "I just thought it sounded harsh, call your kid whatever you want," it ended up exploding into AWESOMENESS and me ending on a KTHXBYE and non-stop tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks. Oh and she de-friended me.

It feels silly to be writing this on a blog, but what is the internet if not a venue to be completely ridiculous? I know that Facebook lends itself to odd fights, and that what a lot of people write on the thing can easily be misconstrued, but I don't think anything was truly missing from her statement that her kid was sure to be a douche because he wasn't going to nap.

And may I suggest something here, as someone who doesn't have a child? How about you just give the kid a bottle of whiskey? That'll rest him up all nice like. But then again, whenever someone passes out from drinking too much, they tend to wake up in a douchey mood, so I hope she doesn't read this and take my advice because OH MY GOD THE DOUCHE TRAIN WOULD NEVER END!!!

It was a pleasure to engage in an intense but all too brief fight on a Facebook status. Especially one that didn't involve anything political, because those are just too easy. Oh and especially since her mom got involved and told me to "drop dead" and that "no one will care when I have a child." The fact that I got a mom all worked up on Facebook is like fucking Christmas in June for me.

I'd also like to point out that even though I use this blog to vent my frustrations with the minor things we encounter in life in a humorous way that should never be taken seriously (excepting my post on gay marriage, that is something I take very, very seriously, and god YES stop it already with the baby pictures) I am actually a pretty happy person. Sure, nothing is perfect, but for what it's worth, my Facebook page is pretty glam and upbeat. I post good movie quotes and lyrics and funny things that people write (eh, let's be honest, it's mostly shit from The Onion.)

I'm going to wait 30 minutes and then ask her to be my friend again, what do you think? Maybe attach a message that says, "I miss you already, you douche."