Learn to merge, douchebag.

Let me share something with you- I like rules. Not all rules, but the ones that I've chosen to follow, I like. Not all people like my rules. I guess I don't blame them. My request that people refrain from putting an "x" in espresso is not met as often I would like, nor do they like it very much when I say, "It's you feel WELL, not good." It can get annoying, I know.

However, there's one rule I have that is hardly ever met, and I can never laugh it off or ignore it, and that's my rule about merging. And my rule is this: Do it right or else. It's not that hard (that's what she said.) Most people, unless they just started driving three weeks ago, should know how to properly merge. But they don't. They don't properly merge because the traffic gods hate my fucking guts and enjoy seeing me flip out in my car, screaming, "WHY ARE YOU SLOWING DOWN/STOPPING/RUINING MY LIFE?!" And oh how the traffic gods giggle at my plight, saying to themselves, "Oh man, that was awesome, that bitch in the Lexus just came to a complete stop trying to merge on a highway. Let's toss someone in front of her that has a "Your Mother Chose Life" bumper sticker on their Fiat to really ruin her day."

When people stop when they're merging, because they're too afraid or stupid to step on the gas, it makes me die a little inside. I know everyone is in a rush to get to work, and the super fast scary cars can make a person nervous, but if that's the case, I know of a great alternative- get your ass on a Beeline bus. If you want to drive on these roads, Bub, you better put the PEDAL TO THE METAL or something like that.

While we're on the topic of driving like a moron, let's add a few more rules:

Use your blinker.
Don't be a woman (I know this one is odd, coming from me, an authentic woman who is also a feminist, but seriously, women can't drive. They can't.)
Don't be old.
If you are driving a Hummer, you go right ahead and kill yourself for having the world's smallest penis.